Chipper Jones just wants his bat back after it was stolen from him.
Yes, the hall-of-fame, switch-hitting third basemen of the Atlanta Braves let an Instagram user have it who was trying to sell a stolen bat of his. This bat accounted for 1/234 of his career home runs and at least 1/1,363 of his career hits. It’s like taking a jersey from Tom Brady, cleats from Johnny Unitas or a helmet from Antonio Brown. You just don’t do it, you imbecile. He needs his bat.
How do we know this wasn’t Chipper Jones’ most favorite bat he ever had?
Jones isn’t the first person with bat attachment. In the pre-historic age, we had Bamm-Bamm Rubble. In World War II, we had Donny “The Bear Jew” Donowitz, who loved him some Teddy Ballgame. By way of Cuba, Pedro Cerrano had hats for his bats. Technically, Charlie Kelly’s beloved rat stick is also a bat. Along with Jones, all five men used bats to make a name for themselves.
While it was a touch cruel to throw the distinguished 2010s Turner Field bat boys under the bus like that, whatever, they’re 30-year-old men these days who blatantly stole from the greatest Braves hitter since Hank Aaron. Jones is a selfless man who once saved Freddie Freeman from certain suburban Atlanta death in a blizzard by way of four-wheeler. We are eternally grateful.
I’m not saying Jones should cut the bat boy thieves’ arms off, but you stole from a living baseball legend, you deserve whatever pain comes your way. Though Jones doesn’t practice voodoo like Cerrano did, maybe he brings a plague on both of their houses, the bat boy thief’s and the anonymous Instagram fence’s. Braves Country is madder than a Bobby Cox ejection.
So if, and hopefully when, Jones gets his bat back, he should proudly rest it over his shoulder like his ESPN colleague Jalen Rose does whenever he’s on camera with David Jacoby. It’ll bring some intense professionalism to Sunday Night Baseball whenever Jones is in the booth. If Jon “Boog” Sciambi didn’t feel intimidated having a hall of famer calling the game with him, he will now.
As long as Jones gets his bat back and tells a great story about those two home runs, we’ll be fine.