Houston Astros, Texas Rangers

Jeff Mathis decapitates Astros fan cutout with foul ball (Video)

Jeff Mathis is making Houston Astros cardboard cutouts head’s fall off.

Jeff Mathis is the judge, jury and executioner when it comes to the heads of cardboard cutouts.

Even if Fernando Tatis Jr. broke Mathis’ Texas Rangers weeks ago, perpetual bitterness is very much a real thing. When life gives you lemons, but you ain’t thirsty and don’t gone no squeezer, you take your frustrations out anyway you can. So on the baseball diamond, you must drill foul balls at the heads of cardboard cutouts, especially if they are facsimiles of Houston Astros fans.

Jeff Mathis hates other people’s heads as much as the Queen of Hearts does.

Allegedly, the head that hit the cement was that of a child. Because the Astros broadcasters are attempting to protect the young from such horror shows, I cannot confirm this. What I can confirm is cardboard cutout was already dead inside, with a bankrupted soul for cheering on Team Trash Can. Like Petey the Parakeet in Dumb and Dumber, his head fell off. Can you sell it to a blind kid?

When people say “don’t lose your head”, they’re not talking about your head rolling around on the floor like a dang gerbil inside of a translucent sphere. “Use your brain, dude” is a phrase I use WAY TOO often when I silently yell at myself in the shower after forgetting to eat breakfast for the umpteenth day in a row. Nobody likes a dummy, especially of a cardboard cutout without a face.

The Astros could glue the poor “kid’s” head back on, but the child is already broken. You can always get new a cardboard cutout of a child. At least have the Rangers’ executioner sign the broken child’s head in Sharpie, mail it to him somewhere in suburban Houston with something along the lines of, “Dear Kid, I’m sorry I broke your face. Your team sucks, but maybe you don’t. – Jeff.”

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Even with a bankrupt soul sent to the devil via a telegraphed message on an industrial barrel trash can, I still believe this kid can be saved. The evil is now out of this child. It can start anew with a Rangers cap on its head to begin a new life as a loser. Do you want to be a winner with no soul or a loser with a fully intact one? Winning is everything, but ignorance is bliss. Ahh…Flip a coin, maybe?

Mathis may play for a loser, but he can certainly knock the head right off a winner via the foul ball.

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