Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Guardians, MLB, Oakland Athletics, Pittsburgh Pirates

What made baseball fun this week: We’re living in Ronald Acuña Jr.’s world, Pirates no longer stink!

Shane Bieber, Cleveland Guardians

Shane Bieber, Cleveland Guardians. (Photo by Brian Fluharty/Getty Images)

For better or worse, What Made Baseball Fun This Week is back, so you better buckle up then!

It still moves… After One Big Holiday, I will try to make baseball fun each week for you until either the Atlanta Braves win the World Series or I lose interest. Either way, I win and you probably lose!

The genesis of this column came about many moons ago when I was asked to contribute to our robust baseball coverage at FanSided, only for me to say “I hate baseball right now, dude!” Fredi Gonzalez was the worst thing to happen to me since Bobby Petrino. I didn’t want to watch, and certainly didn’t want to play no games. But here we are, stumbling across something so stupid…

If you’ve read me before, congratulations. If you’re still reading, even better. For those who don’t get what I’m about, I care about three things in sports: College football, the Braves and ripping on NFL dysfunction. This sustains me. That said, I only have so much bandwidth left in this 30-something sports stooge brain of mine. However, I am willing to give the people what they want.

So if you want to be smart, read a book. If you like numbers, go grab a calculator. If you are expecting hard-hitting analysis about your favorite team I don’t watch, sawry not sawry. Anywho, we’re here for a good time, not a long time. That is the biggest thing I learned when I froze my ass off in Chicago. But this southern “gentleman” is rooted back in his native Georgia clay now, Dawg.

This column will come out each week On a Friday, because what kind of person left of the dial doesn’t listen to Radiohead? We do it to ourselves, Just us, us and no one else. As AI tries to overtake the Paranoid Android living inside us, there will be No Surprises here, or until the Karma Police arrest this man for talking in maths. Like I said, numbers suck, so that ain’t happening, bruh.

This right here is the Lowdown of what’s about to happen, y’all…

This Week’s Most Splendid Segments of Great Splendor!

  1. But what about the fans???
  2. Oh, my god! We’re having a fire … sale!
  3. So this is a thing now?!
  4. The Dude of the Week, man

May you get to Okonokos, one Wordless Chorus at a time. If not, then see if you can work remotely in Miami (hopefully, permanently) like Marcell Ozuna kind of wants to do, while chilling out in your most sacred MMJ Hangtime Room. Remember, Jim James says the things we think. We are the innovators, they are the imitators! For better or worse, I see myself in you. Enjoy the ride…

But what about the fans???: Oh, Baby! Shane Bieber is a Handsome Squidward

Oh, Baby! I wasn’t ready for this. I may get my Peaches down in Georgia, but I get my sick and twisted baseball fix from Cut4. In between eating five scrambled eggs atop a WaHo waffle Brandon Gaudin, serial killer style, I stumbled upon something so perfect. As Long as You Love Me, you’re gonna just have to deal with stuff like this: Shane Bieber is a real-life Handsome Squidward.

Take my f*****g breath away!

Be still, my heart. It Beats 4 U, Shane. He may be the best thing The Milky Way galaxy has to offer from the Cleveland Guardians, but what do the fans have to say about that? Well, they think he is some variation of Patrick Star, Plankton and Larry the Lobster. As it turns out, The Biebs is more ambitious, not as maniacal or as addicted to pumping iron. He will serenade you with the clarinet.

Given that he is a Cy Young-winning pitcher, he will most definitely ring you up, just like a Less Handsome Squidward will do at the cash register of the Krusty Krab. I don’t know how sophisticated he is, but that is a nice sweater he is wearing. I just wish Squidward Tentacles would put some damn pants on. Then again, Donald Duck set the bar so high for those in the Life Aquatic.

Regardless, I would bring my jar of mayonnaise into battle to play the Bubble Bowl to Sweet, Sweet Victory, Yeah for the guardians of whatever galaxy this is. We are so living in a simulation!

So this is a thing now?! | The Dude of the Week, man

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