69 job offers for Joe Buck that are definitely SFW

Joe Buck is getting his announcing reps in these days any way he can. We have some job offers to add to the mix.

Joe Buck is the announcing prodigy of his generation. The son of legendary play-by-play guy Jack Buck, Joe has captivated the hearts of many Americans with his dulcet tones over the years. Buck is the voice of FOX Sports, making him the network’s top play-by-play guy for the NFL and MLB. His partners are hall of famers Troy Aikman and John Smoltz, respectively.

In these days of the great indoors, Buck has been keeping his play-by-play chops up to speed by announcing anything and everything under the sun on Twitter. It’s been great, but no, he won’t do play-by-play of your adult home video, nor will he take a job doing so for the big leagues. With chops like his, he can do play-by-play for whatever he wants.

To celebrate the most principled play-by-play guy of the COVID-19 era, here are 69 things we need Buck to announce stat. We picked the No. 69 because he was born in 1969, get your mind out of the gutter.

  1. Halftime baby races at NBA games
  2. Weather forecasts
  3. Bass fishing tournaments (CAUGHT!!!)
  4. Cash lotto drawings
  5. Bingo games at homes for active seniors
  6. Subway announcements (doors are closing, etc.)
  7. Subway announcements (your order is ready, etc.)
  8. Subway sandwich artistry (meatball sub play-by-play, etc.)
  9. Hosting/seating duties at restaurants
  10. Every game from Troy Aikman’s awful rookie season
  11. John Smoltz vs. Jack Morris in Game 7 of the 1991 World Series
  12. John Smoltz getting a haircut (it’ll be quick one)
  13. Games his late father Jack Buck called (that’s a winner)
  14. St. Louis Blues’ Stanley Cup run
  15. The music vide of “Gloria” by the late, great Laura Branigan
  16. Fights at family reunions
  17. People cooking sweet delicious BBQ ribs
  18. Awful tattoo cover-ups
  19. The cinematic masterpiece that is The Lion King
  20. Petting zoos, evil petting zoos would be preferred
  21.  Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness
  22. A to Z in a good, old-fashioned Merriam-Webster
  23. Slow dances at middle school functions
  24. People moving a heavy couch up seven flights of stairs
  25. “In a world…where Joe Buck does movie trailers…”
  26. Repossessions of automobiles
  27. Bruce Lee fight sequences
  28. The final scene of Nic Cage’s The Wicker Man
  29. Dogs given a new toy or a bone to chew one (dogs, bruh)
  30. Anything Rex Chapman shares on Twitter
  31. Lawn mower races, really, just anything with sit-down lawn mowers
  32. Kids opening presents on Christmas morning
  33. People cutting their own hair
  34. The entire process of brewing a pot of coffee
  35. Beer pong tournaments
  36. Everything Cosmo Kramer does on Seinfeld, especially the door slides
  37. People taking out the garbage in downpours, hailstorms
  38. Games of Monopoly
  39. Drying paint
  40. TikTok videos, especially ones made by quarantining teens
  41. Someone trying to eat an entire pizza in one sitting
  42. Home improvement projects by people who are terrible at home improvement projects
  43. Monster gators loose on Florida golf courses
  44. Cats being terrified of cucumbers (yes, that’s a real thing)
  45. Water-proofing (decks, docks, whatever)
  46. Kids learning to tie their shoes (what a life skill that is)
  47. Rouge Roombas with minds of their own because they’re cyborgs trying to kill us
  48. Dudes botching their beard trim, women struggling with brow maintenance
  49. Anything that was “unbelievable, baby” in the eyes of Dick Vitale, baby
  50. WWII video breakdowns, but only if Bill Belichick is on board to co-host
  51. Kids who refuse to eat their vegetables (THE STRUGGLE!!!)
  52. Boomers falling asleep in the recliner watching TV
  53. A teenage boy devouring an entire box of cereal at 1:00 p.m. on a Saturday.
  54. Kids’ race against time before the ice cream cone melts
  55. Your dad drinking a beer in the garage, watching it rain outside
  56. Your mom putting together a shopping list with indecipherable letters
  57. Squirrels trying to get some food out of the bird feeder again.
  58. Pressure washing the driveway
  59. Anything and everything that involves power tools and ego
  60. Awesome attempts at baby teeth removal from your home!
  61. Patrick Mahomes using an entire bottle of ketchup on a T-bone steak
  62. Animals taking over the streets our of many vacated metropolises
  63. Pre-teens crashing their beloved drones into a lake
  64. Arguments over how to fold clothes
  65. Folding a fitted bedsheet
  66. Dog vs. doorbell
  67. Extreme dad dancing (think Hawaiian shirt at a cul-de-sac cookout event)
  68. So, you’ve lost your phone again
  69. Joe Buck doing play-by-play over games Joe Buck has already done play-by-play for

It’s a lot, but there are at least 69 opportunities to get better. More importantly, there are 69 different ways Joe Buck can entertain us without narrating NSFW acts. So when a rogue cat goes on the field like it did at MetLife Stadium that one time, Joe Buck will be ready. If he’s half as good as Kevin Harlan was in that magical moment, then Buck got better this offseason.

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