St. Louis Cardinals

Cardinals’ return-to-play schedule sounds absurd, so good luck with that

The St. Louis Cardinals are about to play doubleheaders every day forever.

When the late, great Ernie Banks said, “let’s play two!”, this is not what he had in mind.

Because the St. Louis Cardinals were more interested in going to casinos and getting unnecessary haircuts when they have fevers, lie about it and not follow up, they find themselves at 2-3 on the year. The Redbirds are in dire need to make up some ground in a 60-game, coronavirus-shortened MLB season, so why not play doubleheaders every day forever?

The St. Louis Cardinals sound like they want to play 60 games, but should they?

If you take a look at the Cardinals’ dismal 2-3 record, it’s the equivalent of a high school freshman coming home with a mid-semester report card that reads FFFFCA. The A might be in gym, but that 0.67 GPA will surely get a zit-faced brat grounded. If this kid doesn’t get it together, this teenager will be a freshmore and all of his peers will make fun him. You know because you’ve saw it happen.

By allowing the Cardinals to play doubleheaders on Saturday, Monday and Wednesday to catch up, it’s like allowing a terrible high school student to get extra credit for doing homework assignments from seven weeks prior. Well, you know, anything will be an improvement over a 0 homework average, I suppose. It sounds like the Cardinals will have to go back to summer school…again.

We didn’t know how it was possible, but the Cardinals have become a more despicable team in the National League than the Florida Miami Marlins. These stinky fish have never won the NL East before, ever! They’ve won two World Series as a wild card team and haven’t been to the postseason since 2003. Well, guess what? These stinky fish are leading the NL East right now.

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So while the MLB allows the Cardinals to continue onto 10th grade, despite their sevens looking more and more like gammas by the day, keep in mind they’re going to get you a 600 on the SAT the one time they are forced to take it and not a point more. Dumb people gotta work somewhere and they play baseball in the alongs the banks of the Mississippi River. Can they spell Mississippi?

Congratulations on having a tutor forced on you, Cardinals, because you’re getting an F in baseball.

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