There’s undeniable athleticism and then there’s Bartolo Colon’s physique.
Bartolo Colon remains the greatest thing to happen to baseball since its inception.
Though he may not be in the big leagues anymore, Colon remains the greatest and most magnificent champion the world has ever seen. He’s so good at baseball and so dominant at life that if you take one look into his eyes you die immediately, as if he were the basilisk in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
So it’s no secret that he’s still hitting dingers at 47 years old.
If Hercules were a real person, he would aspire to be Bartolo Colon.
Greek gods have bowed before him for 47 years and will continue to do so because they fully understand where they stand in the pantheon of the universe. Colon is a titan among Greek gods, and we remember the titans and how they only ran six plays on offense for Coach Boone. By the end of his big league career, Colon was throwing only one pitch (fastball) and still was a champion.
When he hit that homer playing ball with his friends, you saw him almost think about carrying the bat around the bases like he’s Pedro Cerrano or something. Because Colon is the pitching equivalent of Big Papi, he could carry around his bat, asserting his dominance over everyone, as long as his helmet falls off his giant head rounding second base. I mean, come on. He’s Big Sexy!
At some point in life, we all tried to be cool. It was a fleeting effort, I must say, but as the antithesis of cool myself, you must respect the presence of an almighty baseball god when you encounter one. It’s been a rough year, but we are ecstatic to know there are 280 pounds of pure cornfed muscle hitting big flies in some park in the world. If that video doesn’t get you out of bed in the morning…
Though he may never end up in the National Baseball Hall of Fame, there is no human alive more deserving of having an entire wing dedicated to his greatness in Cooperstown, New York. It’d be one of those exhibits where you’d have to wear your Sunday best, comb your hair and take your shoes off at the door because it’d be so fancy, glorious and spectacular. It would be the Baseball Mecca.
There are people who think they are living a great life, and then there’s Bartolo Colon living out his.